Friday, December 29, 2006

Getting the shit kicked out of you by love

Why does this have to be the case? Really.

I mean, shit fully launched across the room. Heart a tattered mangled mess on the floor. Stepped on and trampled by the heel of a shoe.

There you sit on the floor, unable to walk into your own house, uanable to take your jacket off. And you cry. And cry, and cry.

You cry to yourself, you cry to God. You cry for the good, you cry for the bad. You cry.

And you hurt, and you sting. You want to throw up but can't.
You feel stupid and angry and start to hit your fists on the ground.
And you pray to God to make it all go away.

But why? What have you learned?

Riddle me that.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Love/Hate

There is a fine line
I have to tread
Between a world of life
At that of the dead
The love is there
To make me feel
The hate is there
To make me real
Yet I find my steps
Are seldom sure
They teeter totter
With each lure
The push and pull
The constant tug
It takes it's toll
The thorns are dug
But seldom is
The answer found
Elsewhere than on
Sacred ground
So when the earth
Is seeming dim
I take a breath
And follow Him

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I thought

I thought I was in love once.

The boy told me he loved me. But he also told me I would be better if I was just a little different. I needed to be like this, or do this. Then I would be really lovable.

He didn't love me. He wanted to change me.

I thought I was in love a second time.

I could never believe the boy loved me. He would never truly admit he cared. I beat myself black and blue to make sure I did all I could to be loveable.

I didn't love me. I wanted to change me.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Raging love

I am angry.

I cannot place my sentiments into any other category without betraying their central tone. I am angry. Angry in a most incovenient and propostorous way.

I am angry at love. Some may even say I am down with love.

I am not angry at the sentiment of love. I am not angry at those who are in love. I am just angry at my lack of romantic love and the way that it plays with my heart constantly and obstrusively. There is such a desire in for true love that is unbearable. That is what angers me. I am not dependent on love. I do not need romantic to love to complete me. Jesus can do that. But yet, since I gave into the idea that I want to be a wife someday, these feeling nags at me. I know I've got love to give and that angers me too.

I do not understand why this yearning would be so displaced if I am not destined to ever have a requited love circumstance - at least at this time. Meaning that I KNOW God has asked me to wait, He has told me to be patient, He has my heart in His hands. And yet I am unable to trust this at all times and I get angry at God and even more so angry at myself for failing Him.

And it seems sometimes that love is a curse, at least for me. If I search back in my mind, almost every shred of love I have placed on the opposite sex has been ignored, ripped away or dangerously misplaced. And my broken heart was to blame. But if God is healing that broken heart, shouldn't He be curbing this desire too? And what of the feelings I've had? Are they not from God? Shouldn't they be going in the right place if God has granted me to have them? Thought like this drive me crazy.

God, I love you and I don't want to be angry at you. Please, please hear me now and take my heart and mind into Your hands and make me sane again. Love me, fulfill me, and make me whole in You alone.

I no longer want to feel anger.

I want to love.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Winds of change

It's been ages since I've updated this blog. Quite frankly, I've been carried away living life. There have been a lot of changes going on lately. I've managed to mend my heart a little, I've managed to get a lovely spiritual director, and I've managed to take a few more steps in the right direction. I've also got a new job and I'm moving.

Things are in constant flux, but it's nice because all my restless sensibilities are being challenged. I've gotta plow through and find a new path and accept the adventures that are coming my way.

I'm finally doing something different.

Amen to that.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I've decided

I need to stop thinking and stop acting like a twit.

Easier said than done.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Manic Dramatic

Life is full of ups and downs. One day you might be on top of the world, the next minute you're wallowing in shit. I've been feeling a lot of that back and forth lately - mostly because I'm trying to work on some "issues" that are really close to my heart, and it's never easy to confront your demons.

It's funny, the last post I wrote was a tad dramatic, but so very true to what I was feeling at the time. Today, I don't feel remotely that upset, mostly because I know that the healing process of my heart has already begun, and that it's true, I will bleed and I will hurt but it means that all the poison that hold me prisoner is going to leave. And there is something much better filling the space. Much better.