Raging love

I am angry.

I cannot place my sentiments into any other category without betraying their central tone. I am angry. Angry in a most incovenient and propostorous way.

I am angry at love. Some may even say I am down with love.

I am not angry at the sentiment of love. I am not angry at those who are in love. I am just angry at my lack of romantic love and the way that it plays with my heart constantly and obstrusively. There is such a desire in for true love that is unbearable. That is what angers me. I am not dependent on love. I do not need romantic to love to complete me. Jesus can do that. But yet, since I gave into the idea that I want to be a wife someday, these feeling nags at me. I know I've got love to give and that angers me too.

I do not understand why this yearning would be so displaced if I am not destined to ever have a requited love circumstance - at least at this time. Meaning that I KNOW God has asked me to wait, He has told me to be patient, He has my heart in His hands. And yet I am unable to trust this at all times and I get angry at God and even more so angry at myself for failing Him.

And it seems sometimes that love is a curse, at least for me. If I search back in my mind, almost every shred of love I have placed on the opposite sex has been ignored, ripped away or dangerously misplaced. And my broken heart was to blame. But if God is healing that broken heart, shouldn't He be curbing this desire too? And what of the feelings I've had? Are they not from God? Shouldn't they be going in the right place if God has granted me to have them? Thought like this drive me crazy.

God, I love you and I don't want to be angry at you. Please, please hear me now and take my heart and mind into Your hands and make me sane again. Love me, fulfill me, and make me whole in You alone.

I no longer want to feel anger.

I want to love.