The beauty of the world...inside of me?

Every now and then I find myself amazed at something that is growing inside of me. No, it's not a baby, but rather is a sense of self that was never there before, at least not in this way. The innate knowledge of being something that I wanted to be for so long is becoming more and more real every day. And it's just...nice.

You see, there is a Spirit that lives in all of us, and it want to help us be the person we are meant to be. I've known most of my life that this Spirit is around and I've felt it on more than one occasion. But there is a difference between feeling it and letting it be a part of you, to heal you.

For a long time, I've known that there was something more for me, something special that my faith was going to show me, but I don't know if it was fear or what, but I was never quite willing to commit the whole of my body, mind and soul to the Lord. I just wanted to rebel against what I knew was right, and I let myself be so destructive. Finally, I think I hit the wall in terms of what I could do wrong. I made a choice. I made a choice I can never take back. I chose this world over another, and I broke who I was.

I had no where else to turn, and though I didn't want to because I couldn't face it, I had to crawl back on my hands and knees to ask for forgiveness. It was tough. It's hard to face a loving Father and admit that you are so broken and so sorry for what you have done. But He showed me that I was loved, and that I deserve that love and that I didn't have to be broken at all.

It's been a long climb to where I am, and the only reason I know that something is going on it is because I feel more whole, that and because my dear friends tell me that something is changing...

It's just amazing.

A little limerick

There once was a blogger named girl
Who loved to give limericks a whirl
She posted this a note
A limerick she wrote
And then waited for the jeers to unfurl

Lost in thought in the city

This weekend I went for a walk to meet some friends.

I walked down into a part of the city that I don't go into very often. It's on the side of the city where I first lived when I moved here. It always makes me think of my ex because I lived with him when I first moved here for a brief interlude before things fell apart.

And all of a sudden, I found myself feeling tight in the chest, and short of breath. For a fleeting moment I was once again struck with the hurt that the loss of this person I love had caused. It's funny how the past sometimes creeps up on you, even when it's been over a year.

Maybe it's just hard to think that you once had something so wonderful, and you need to mourn.

Later that very same day, I decided to keep walking around the city. It gave me a chance to think about the person I was when came here. I was suddenly struck with another sense of loss.

You see, I'm not the person I was when I came here, in fact, I've changed quite a bit. I've grown up a lot, I've learned a lot, and I've changed in a very good way. It's been a blessing. But I sat down in the park that day, and I started to cry. I cried for the person I once was, and for the hurt that that person had and for the bad decisions made. I sat and I cried.

I was alone to mourn the loss.

And then the new person I am stopped crying, got up, and walked on home.

There I found love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. And I knew I was home.

Comfort in anonymity

Sometimes it's good to just put something out there under the state of being unknown. Not that I myself am shy and do not wish for my thoughts to make it out there into the world. In fact, most of my friends would probably argue the very opposite. I like to talk. But in this case, I am choosing to keep this blog free and clear of many of my own personal details. It's nice.

Ok, who am I kidding? I'm annoyed, I'm actually only doing this because I got creeped out by the thought of people trying to track me down over the internet. That's just not cool. I mean, don't you think that people have enough time on their hands, rather than wanting to come searching for you?

Shudder.

To the world unknown and known at the same time.

Aren't dichotomies lovely?

A new blog is born

Apparently Canadians are the biggest bloggers around.

Weird.