A hard time letting go

About a year ago, I remember walking through Kensington on the heels of one of my best friends. I don't remember the exact topic of conversation, other than it must have been a conversation about my "obsessive" tendencies. I say this because the next point I remember very clearly. He made a jabbing, though quite astute, comment about my tendency to not let things lie, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Yes, it's true. I have a hard time letting go. Maybe because at first I have a hard time breaking through at first and admitting that I care, and like being able to care about someone. I'm intensely guarded and picky in some senses when it comes to who I allow myself to care about. Maybe it's not a good thing all the time, but yeah, I'm working out the balance. The flip side, however, is that I have a really hard time getting the caring out of my system, or of letting go of the hurt if I feel like I've been betrayed or cut too deep.

I've been thinking about this a bit lately. Thinking about my inability to let things lie. I mean, why is that I am still put off kilter at the prospect of meeting my old boyfriend on the street? I don't know why I can't feel comfortable with that. I think it has something to do with certain "soul ties" that were made, but still. It's been so long. Why should I still feel like there is a part of him still hanging around in my system?

Also, I've been thinking about commitment. Why do I have a hard time committing my heart to someone? They can't learn anything about me, or feel certain of anything about me if I'm not committed. I know in my meager understanding of matters of the heart I've felt like I've given a lot in the past, but it was a lot of fakeness because I was already one foot out the door because of my fear. When it's all over, I'm unable to let go of the situation because I want to rectify my mistakes. I cling to hope, I cling to regret. I just plain cling.

Maybe I just need to sit back, be patience, and accept my abilities and inabilities and lay them all down in front of the One who really matters. At least if I do that I can say for once the door is staying open with the right kind of doorstop.